- Does it hurt?
- August 28th, 2010
why should it? if tears flood my eyes and pour down, then it hurts. if i start having thoughts of death then it hurts. i never saw this coming, never saw this fall. i try to pick myself but i can't, i wake up every morning trying to accept my fate, everyday i feel a dark cloud shadowing me.
is it painful? i find many things to distract me, i wish i had amnesia that's my life,so yes it does. when am happy, iam very high up there when i fall it is hard for me to pick myself up. i hate to pity myself but that's what i doing everyday. am fighting a losing battle, i have lost mysef, my bestfriend. i now convey only with loneliness and sadness, this is not me. i find myself wanting to embrace death. i have feelings of fear then sometimes i feel betrayed, sometimes i feel tired just want to give up. i don't know how to talk to you. you think i am being ungrateful, sometimes i do feel this, but when i wake up to new obstacles, such feeling evaporate. i feel like giving up half way.
Do i feel like a failure? i want to redeem myself but these obstacles are making it difficult for me. you ask me why don't i ask you for help? i don't remember how to ask, i try everyday to talk to you but my heart has blacken, its locked, everyday i feel like just sleeping and never waking up but then i have feeling of where i will go, what will happen to me. i trying so hard not to hate myself, because i still hope that i will reach to you when am ready.
Does it hurt? yes but no one knows, i cry everyday, my body feels strange as if it is not mine. for once my mind and my heart are in sync, both empty, dark. i have lost myself, slowing i know i will vanish me, i really want to ask for help but i can't bring myself to do, i have lost my guardian, my personality. when i look in the mirror, am nothing compared to other people that are in more seriously situations. A promise is a promise right, do i blame you? sometimes but most of the time i blame myself. i am dying to ask for a second chance but both my body, my heart and my mind won't allow me, they are tied in one. i need to break free, so please me help is what i want to say. i am too young to welcome depression, am too smart to become a lunatic.
Does it burn? yes, all i do is laugh not because it is funny or laughter comes easily. it is because i am empty, i am trying to remember my heart, myself. it is also a mask for everyone who meets me. this is me in a dark hole, all alone. i can't stand that i don't own anything my heart, my body, my mind. i am a the brink of going crazy.
What did in the world did i forget because the only thing i can remember is the pain, being a failure and how much it burns.